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Movie Review: American Pie – Beta House

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Believe it or not, I didn’t totally hate this movie. I should qualify that statement, though. I went into watching this thing knowing that it was going to be smut, have crappy acting, and be about as deep as a raindrop puddle. Well, I was completely right!

There are no major performances worth talking about, but there are a lot of boobs for the testosterone-driven guys out there. In fact, there are so many boobs and so much sexual innuendo in the movie that it becomes numbing by the time it’s all over. Eugene Levy makes a guest appearance and plays a bit of a role towards the end – he’s funny as always.

The commentary in this movie of a new-age, geeky fraternity versus the traditional party animal crew isn’t totally based in reality. From what I’ve seen by advising my fraternity’s chapters around New Jersey, most college fraternities and sororities are somewhere in between the “new school” and the “old school” mentalities. When done right, it’s almost the perfect mix. When done wrong, it’s a complete disaster.

This is the type of movie where if you have some free time and the movie is available to you, then you’ll get a laugh or two by sitting down and watching this thing. Would I advise going out of your way to see it? No way. But hey, it’s enjoyable for what it is.

Movie Review: I Am Legend

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Will Smith’s latest movie, I Am Legend, will go down as a movie with some of the best previews and trailers in recent history. And, for my part, I have to say that it will go down as a major bore for all of the people who had the pleasure/displeasure of sitting through it. This one didn’t just miss the mark, it fired the gun in the opposite direction!

In truth, I hate to give this movie a bad review because there was so much potential in the concept and the original story is pretty entertaining. Yet, as a viewer I found myself wanting to care about the characters, but it just wasn’t possible. You get vague hints of the back story (though I imagine that most people know it thanks to the power of the internet) and the ending is impossible to care about (it’s too rushed, too out of line with 90% of the film, and too “easy”).

Will Smith does the best that can be expected in a role where he plays opposite a dog for most of the movie. The use of rabies-infected zombies is only marginally scary in the movie and the filmmakers missed a major opportunity to explore the zombie world during the middle of the film. Not good planning at all.

It looks like I Am Legend has grossed about $34 million to date (probably more once the Christmas numbers are added). I don’t think the movie has much drawing power left in it – almost every word-of-mouth review that I heard has been negative. Most of them go something like this, “Yeah, it was alright – not what I expected. It wasn’t that good.”

I agree. It was alright – not the worst movie ever, but not really a good movie either. My recommendation is that if you really want to see this movie, make it a Blockbuster night this spring.

DVD Review: Hatchet (Unrated Director’s Cut)

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This movie is fantastic! The other day I had the opportunity to watch Hatchet, the Unrated Director’s Cut. I honestly had no idea what to expect going into this movie and I was ready to be let down (I’m not big into the horror scene and I hadn’t heard of this movie before). Wow – I was completely stunned at how great this movie turned out! Now folks, let me first state that there is a lot of gore, cursing, nudity, and adult commentary on this DVD. Got it? Good, let’s move on.

You have to watch this movie if, for nothing else, to see Joel David Moore as Ben. Hilarious! He plays this quasi-loser who is really excited for a ghost tour down in New Orleans (in the middle of Mardi Gras, that is). He winds up guilting his buddy Marcus (played by Deon Richmond) into coming along with him. I don’t want to tell too much of the story because you really have to see it to appreciate the amazing mix of humor and horror, but let me say this – the work of Moore and Richmond is reminiscent of the Judd Apatow style of dialogue. It was excellent – very impressive!

I also got a good laugh out of Perry Shad who acted as the tour guide and Joleigh Fioreavanti and Mercedes McNab who acted as two, ummm, I don’t know. I guess you’d call them “Girls Gone Wild” type of girls. Absolutely hilarious dialogue between these two!

An example of some of the humor in this film… As the guests are getting ready for the tour there is a crazy man screaming trying to get their attention. The guide (Shad) tells them that the crazy man is a nut case and that they shouldn’t even bother listening to him. Shad mentioned that the guy even drank his own piss! The boat starts up and the tour moves out into the bayou. As the tour is moving out, the crazy man says:

“Y’all gonna die.” With a very remorseful look, like he knows what’s coming. Then he drinks a bottle of his own piss. Hilarious!

There are funny moments like this littered throughout the movie. But one of the biggest draws is obviously the story of Victor Crowley (played by Kane Hodder). The story is told – brilliantly – by Marybeth (played by Tamara Feldman). I don’t want to tell the story here because it’s pretty much the meat and potatoes of the movie, but you won’t be disappointed. In fact, this entire part of the movie is excellent. Not to ruin this part for anyone, but two older tourists are killed and it is absolutely hilarious!

Take my suggestion here, folks. Buy, rent, or borrow this movie now! The subtitle on the DVD Box says “Old School American Horror.” Not only is this movie made in the old school horror movie style, but it’s got the perfect mix of humor to go with the gratuitous gore. I highly recommend Hatchet, the Unrated Director’s Cut! I even went out and got a copy as a Christmas gift!

Movie Review: Fred Claus

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Boring. Completely boring. Lucky for me, viewing this film did not cost me anything because if I spent ANY money on this train wreck, I would be real hot right now. My apologies go out to my roommate who enjoyed this movie – I didn’t care for it.

The premise of the movie is just absurd. Santa Claus was always a great person – even as a little child. So he becomes a Saint and now his family is sorta frozen in time forever. Weird. But, you see, Santa’s older brother is jealous of his family’s love for Santa. Fast forward to the future and apparently some efficiency expert is looking to shut down Santa’s factory. Absolutely no connection to the premise that Santa is immortal and exists to serve children for eternity. Awkward. And it goes on like this with the rest of the movie – new premises popping up all over the place.

What the hell does an efficiency expert have to do with the North Pole? That is one of the dumbest plots for a Christmas movie that I’ve ever heard! That’s worse than Santa with Muscles!

That said, I could see the appeal to casual Christmas movie fans or just movie fans. Vince Vaughn does his part pretty well as does Paul Giamotti. How great of an actor is Paul Giamotti? Other than those two, though, I really didn’t find much to like about this movie. I found it to be bland and really written for either small children who are excited to see Santa on screen or people who just want to watch something that takes up a few hours of their lives.

Actually, the scene with the “other” siblings is hilarious. George Clinton, one of the Baldwin brothers, Frank Stallone – pretty funny stuff right there!

And I know that sounds somewhat rough for a review, but as a big fan of Christmas and a big Christmas movie buff – I just couldn’t stomach this one. My suggestion is to not go out of your way to see this movie either now or later. You’ll get a better showing out of The Santa Clause or Bad Santa or It’s a Wonderful Life, etc.

Movie Review: The Bee Movie

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I’m a little bit divided on this movie. The visuals are great, which we’ve come to expect from Dreamworks (the makers of Shrek), and the story is cute and fun – definitely something you’ll want to bring the kids to if you’re looking for something cartoony. But I didn’t really like something about the movie – not sure what it was, though.

Actually, I think it was Jerry Seinfeld. He didn’t attempt to change his voice in any respect nor did he attempt to create a new character voice. There was little excitement behind his vocal performance, too. It was just like watching the Seinfeld sitcom…with bees. Very weird.

There was also the almost too obvious “green” overtones in the movie. I don’t really know if it’s worth making a movie with such strong underlying currents. Yeah, I’m all about a greener lifestyle and a harmonious environment, but if you’re making a kids’ movie, then focus on making the kids happy!

I thought the story, itself, was sort of lacking. The idea that a bee can speak and start a revolution against the honey industry is a bit of a stretch. Of course, without accepting that premise you really don’t have a movie. I thought the movie started strong, though, with the shortened “training” time for a bee and how they spend the rest of their lives in one occupation working for the betterment of the hive. The story got interesting when Seinfeld went out with the gathering bees to gather pollen and then cross pollinate the local park. But as soon as it hit the love story/bee revolt I quickly lost interest.

If you can get this movie on DVD from a friend, it’s probably worth watching for the amazing graphics alone. But don’t go out of your way to spend any money on buying the DVD or spending a gross amount of money renting it.