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JerseySmarts.com

The Clintons and Al Gore on a Plane…

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Found this e-mail from about two years ago buried in my “saved e-mails” folder. I got a kick out of reading it again – I hope you do, too!

Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy”.

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

Ha ha ha! Go Chelsea!

Remember, Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars

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More jokes from the archive. I’ve deleted some 150 e-mails so far and there are only a few thousand left to go – so keep checking back!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I am 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.” Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “I’ll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed.”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Ha ha ha! Terrible humor, but funny!

They Walk Among Us…Unreal

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This e-mail has been sitting in my mail folder for almost a year. It’s called, “They Walk Among Us,” and it refers to the many completely clueless people that are out there in this world. For those of you that have seen the movie Idiocracy, this is the beginning of the end!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again…same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
—— They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D’s with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
——They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”
——They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff.”
—— They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
—— They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
—— They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”
—— They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

The sad thing is that we all know people like this…dummies.

An Amish Joke

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As I am cleaning out some old e-mails, here is a joke that was forwarded to me a few months ago. There is an anti-Muslim connotation in the joke, but it’s one of those jokes where you can replace “Muslim” with any religious denomination (Roman Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, etc). Anyway, when you look at it for just being a joke, it’s pretty funny.

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amishman shouts: “Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

(Which means : “Don’t drink the water the cows have shit in it.”)

The man shouts back: “I’m a muslim, I don’t understand. Please speak in English.”

The Amishman says: “Use two hands,.You’ll get more”!

Enjoy!

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

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My Mother sent this information to me in an e-mail the other day. I got a kick out of reading it and imagining myself and my friends doing this stuff randomly! Enjoy!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it ‘In’.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Smuggling Diamonds’.

7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy’.

8. Don’t use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity… Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called…therapy.

Ha ha ha!